This is part one of a series of posts in which I will try as best I can to explain myself as wholly as I can, and I’m going to do so in unedited, stream of thought rambles.
I seem to always have the right words ready, except for when it comes to explaining myself. It’s been the same way for a long, long time. Some people have picked up on it better than others, some never do, lose interest, move along. The feeling of incongruity isn’t something you want to stew in. Perhaps this is even less than a misguided shout into the abyss, but I thought I’d try to lay bare as best I can some pieces of self.
The biggest hurdle in the social sphere, is that I’m very internal. I’m a thinker, possessed by daydreams and reveries. Constantly mulling over ideas for stories, poems, idea I might never even use. I watch, I listen, and I soak in scenes because I’m genuinely interested in what might happen. Sometimes I don’t ask questions to things easily answered because I want to figure it out or pick it up through context. These are things I rejoice in. Everything interests me, and I find myself trying to figure it out and understand it. It sounds great when I say it like that, but to others I’m just quiet and anti-social.
To compound things, I do value my time to myself. I like to go running alone. Exploring new cities alone constituted most of my trip out west. When things got out of whack and times were tough, I went into the parks or passed the hours at Coe Lake, alone. I am comfortable this way. I’m not afraid of silence, or anonymity, and I really do thrive in that meditative, solitary state. There’s something very zen about it, and it refreshes me deeply.
So to sum things up so far, from a more external perspective, I’m anti-social, quiet, and hate hanging out with people. I get it. That’s a side that a lot of people will only ever see. But that’s not really the whole picture.
I adore people. I really, really do. There is a fine line between alone and lonely, and I don’t like to cross it more than I have to. I value people that interest me, and there are people that draw me in like blood in the water, and I just have to know them. I’m always curious in the going-ons of my friends, of their misadventures, their weird fantasies, their personality flaws, their vices, the last sad thoughts before they go to sleep. They make me better, and I try to be there, and be loyal. Some of my friends are very damaged people, broken in the most important places, frayed at the edges, and I love them all the more for it.
I’m not quiet all the time. Sure, I might not be as talkative as most people, but I’m not certain most people should be. I aim to be honest and genuine when I talk to people. I want to know more. I wait my turn. I listen deeply. I think of what I can do to help. I try to understand what you’re feeling, what motivates you. I’m congenial with everyone and can flit from group to group, but when it comes down to it, I surround myself with people I love, and want to know and spend time with, and that I want to be involved with, and that is where I’m in my element.
Moving on, I have a really big weakness. I feel very deeply. It’s a part of that empathy bit. I fall in love very easily, in real, romantic, and lasting ways as well as fleeting every day share glance in passing kinds of ways. I spend so much time thinking about people and abstract concepts and emotions, that I tend to idolize people. This has been my Achilles Heel in some of the most painful times of my life. It wasn’t until I learned to pull back on it a little, that I realized how much I tried to look past peoples’ mistakes. I always looked past the bad to the good, and got bit more times than I’d care to admit. I’m the long relationship guy, and I’m also the guy that comes up on the raw end of the deal when they fall apart as they sometimes do.
I’m a seeker. I don’t know what the meaning of life is, but I’m usually pretty good at figuring out what it isn’t. I’ve worked plenty of jobs, some that I could do till the day I died and feel fulfilled in some kind of way, but more often than not, I don’t feel fully satisfied in the depths of my soul. I need more. It’s not enough to make a lot of money. We all know that, but very few people ever pursue it. It’s espoused in so many movies, books, TV shows—you should do what makes you happy. Helping people makes me happy. Giving people opportunities to find their own happiness, that does it too. I feel that if I have the power to make things better, I should.
That is all for now. Tomorrow I’ll continue, but I wanted to get some of that on the table. I hope you’ll respond to this and perhaps take up the reins for yourself as well.